After I set myself free from the shackles of my closet for the second time, my foray into gay culture, like many other queers, was filled with learning a ton of lingo—and the fact that most of this lingo exists to define sexual stance and preference is no secret.
Though I never used Grindr, apps like Tinder still had droves of men asking me "top or bottom?" in their second message. (The first one being "sup" or "hi"). Initially, I didn't even know what I preferred. I had never been with another man and could in no way know what I preferred, so I always replied "whichever," which, to my dismay, furthered my own confusion.
I remember this one time when I thought I was hanging out with a guy and by "hanging out" I actually meant enjoy each other's company. My naïveté was second to a toddler's. Long story short, I was not able to make said hang out session and I received scathing text messages about how rude I was because he had showered, douched, and I basically left him hanging. To be very clear, I was not expecting sex, nor did I ever allure to the fact that we would be engaging in that. I just wanted friends who I could connect with about that liberated piece of me, but the expectation of me was to put out because I was friendly. Period.
To this day, the pervasive narrative that I must be a bottom and that what I do in the confines of the bedroom follows me everywhere. I mean, I have a few guesses as to why, but it is the reasons behind that why that are so disappointing.
"It's because you're small."
"Oh, honey, you must love when a man ties you up"
"Sweetie, no offense, I don't see you topping anything."
Being reduced to the role I am assumed to take in the bedroom is the most ironic and hypocritical thing I have faced from gay culture. We go through this whole process to come up with the courage to say "screw you" to the box heteronormative society is trying to stuff us in, only to have our community do it for us again in their own way.
I get it. We all play the game because when we come into this culture as "baby gays" that's what everyone else is doing. So before long we become jaded and we play the game and the vicious cycle continues and grows. However, I am loathe to admit that is all I am. A power top, power bottom, vers, twink, twunk, otter, bear, hunk, etc. are all adjectives meant to objectify us and hey, if you're all for it, then continue assigning yourself those adjectives and empower yourself with your own sexuality. I'm here for it. Just don't direct that energy to anyone else.
Our community bears reminding that it is none of our business what another person's role is in the bedroom (unless you're engaging with them directly for that purpose) or that publicly objectifying someone for who they are, how they dress, how they choose to express themselves, etc. is not okay. Not everyone you objectify wants to be objectified. We don't owe each other our bodies, our minds, or our privacy to belong. We can just authentically be.
Additionally, I think that the heavy objectification that we subject each other to is the fertile ground for toxic behaviors to breed or persist. Things like the white beauty standard, transphobia, and "Masc 4 masc" (femmephobia) are things that continue to plague some of the narrative around how "queer" someone is allowed to be in order to be deemed "attractive."
We are so diverse, so filled with unique individuals that I've met queens who dance in high heels that love an active role and guys who look like linebackers that love assuming a submissive role. So, it's time to no longer carry heterosexual ideals of sex into our own bedrooms and just enjoy ourselves and each other for who we are.
So, who am I, top or bottom? I am the unexpected. I am a sexsomniac that gets too in his feelings and loves a romantic moment and has the amazing pleasure of being queer and enjoying that part of his life. I am that loud friend who has feminine and masculine energy within him. I like working out and playing sports and dressing up and putting jewelry on. Does that make me vers? No. That makes me, me. And it's wonderful, cause it's only my business.
Don't let anyone define you or reduce you to only a small part of who you are. You're too grand for that. Royals keep their composure, are respected because they are respectful, and proud. (Though they let their freak flag fly behind closed doors 😉)
Love,
Little King Dan